Rebecca's Story
Dear Donna,
I just got the kids down for a nap (ages 5 1/2, 3 1/2, and 1 1/2) finally and it wasn't pretty today. Lots of whining, protest, and crankiness which sadly ended in me yelling. This is not a "typical" day but a rough day with over-tired kids. Not one of my best days. So it was interesting that your newsletter was in my in box right now with a request for sending thoughts on being a stay at home mom. On days like today it is important to reflect on my choice to be a stay at home mom! It feeds the soul! So here goes....
I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Growing up I remember saying to myself and to my mother 'I will live in a small house and not take vacations to expensive places just so I can stay at home with my kids'. I often wonder what my mom thought of my comment back then (she is deceased now so I cannot ask her!). I'm sure she was thinking that it was more complicated than that. My mom worked part time when I was small then began her own business that often had her working nights and weekends. In high school I often had to make dinner as my dad worked late too. I would wait up for my mom to get home (sometimes at 10 or 11 pm) just so I could talk to her and tell her about my day. Even when I was in college I would have to wait that late to call home from the dorm to have those important crisis conversations. I didn't enjoy that. I often felt I needed her right that minute not at 10 pm! I knew she had to live her life but my need for her did not change drastically just because I grew up and out of the house. All of these experiences helped to solidify my desire to stay at home with my children.
Once I started working, however, my thoughts changed a bit. I guess I was a bit sucked into the feminist attitude and the pull of consumerism. While in grad school (for industrial engineering) a professor of mine once made a comment regarding women staying at home with the children and how important he thought that was. (He was from Egypt originally and his wife stayed home with their two children). I was a bit appalled because I began to wonder if that were true what was I doing in grad school? And, why was he taking such an interest in my career if he thought I should just stay at home? I thought also he was being chauvinist in his remark. So my response was, "well, maybe my husband will stay home and I'll work". Entering a male dominated field made me very keenly aware of the differences in men and women and the perception of them in the workforce. As I began my career I was very guarded with my thoughts on women staying home. I didn't want to miss an opportunity for advancement because my manager thought I was just going to get pregnant and quit.
However, as that day arrived I did just that. Now, it still wasn't an easy decision at first. When I first became pregnant we were living in a home that required two incomes. When we did our budget we didn't see how we were going to be able to "make ends meet" on one income. We had a nice house (much bigger than I said I would have in order to be a stay at home mom when I was growing up). We lived well. We seemed a bit trapped by the consumerist attitude. I prayed. Neither of us liked the jobs we were doing or the town we were living in. At 12 weeks pregnant we got a call from a former co-worker inviting us to move towns and come work for him (my husband and I were/are both industrial engineers and we worked at the same company). We both interviewed. After we looked at houses and the salary figures we were able to buy a nice home and do it on one income. So, I worked up until I was 6 months along and we moved to a new town. Yeah, I was a stay at home mom (or almost)!
Both of our families supported our decision which was great but non of them lived close to us! Transitioning was tough. I gained support through our neighborhood. Luckily a majority of the moms stayed home and most of them were transplants to the area so no one had any family around. We became a family. There were mom/children's gatherings at one home on a monthly basis. We took turns hosting. There were also other neighborhood events which were nice to attend (parties, etc.). I also joined a mom's group at my church that met once per week; total salvation for me with my first child. I remember my first mom's group meeting and listening to the pre-meeting conversation. It was all about kids, home repair, picking out colors for a newly decorated room, etc. I remember thinking how boring life had become for these women that they had nothing else to talk about!! I was too used to office conversation! Well, I am proud that my conversation is now much the same as the seasoned moms in that group. I do like to think that I can speak intelligently about a variety of topics though and I don't feel out of place at my husband's office gatherings.
I have decided to home school and that decision has not been as comfortably supported by my family nor by society. My mom never knew of my choice to home school. She passed on when my oldest was just one. My decision came not long after that though. I did not have the same "knowing" about this growing up as I did about staying at home. I feel that I have been led by my child's spirit, guardian angel, God, or perhaps a combo of all of them! When I tell people I home school I get strange responses, such as "wow, I could never do that". Although I have often heard that one in regard to staying home as well! But in general I have found more support for staying home than for homeschooling. That great neighborhood with the great mom's gatherings became inadequate once we decided to home school and as our direction shifted to eliminating TV, etc.. Again at just about the right time another job change opportunity came along for my husband. So we took it and now have access to a homeschooling coop and some very like minded friends in our new town. I always believe "things happen for a reason". Prayer is very powerful and so is listening to the spirit and the inner knowing (even when it feels like a complete leap of faith). Those things helped us to land right where we belong for now. We are closer to family (1 hour away) but still far enough to do our own thing with limited judgment from them. This is the right thing for us.
What is it like day to day in my house? Well, I do a lot of dishes, cleaning, laundry and diapering. I began with a lot of frustration doing all of these things with our first child. I didn't enjoy cooking and hardly accomplished anything noticeable by the time my husband came home. Five years later I have found that I really enjoy cleaning and cooking too. The house is often a bit messy when my husband gets home but I feel so much more accomplished. There is a nourishing and tasty meal on the table which usually get compliments from my husband (he used to give me cooking tips after almost every meal in the beginning!) I have learned to sew, felt, and paint with watercolors. I have discovered my singing voice! I am no longer embarrassed to sing in front of my husband or my children! I have learned to play the recorder and to tell stories from memory and even make up my own. I love to garden. Each year the dump truck comes with a load of dirt and I make new flower beds. This year I am going to try my hand at gardening and making a fun flower fort for the kids. I feel so fulfilled by this vocation now. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be there for my children and to grow personally. We truly teach each other. I am overjoyed by my children's accomplishments. The small and the mundane. I have really discovered nature again and how to look at things through the eyes of a child. We limit our number of outings. Mondays we stay home, Tuesdays we go to the home school coop in the afternoon, Wednesday is grocery shopping day, Thursday is play-date day, and Fridays we stay home or occasionally do an errand. Saturdays we are back at the grocery store and Sunday we go to church. We are really striving to keep a slow pace for ourselves and our children.
I have struggled along the way though. There have been many ups and downs. I have had periods of time where I am so hard on myself and on the children. This usually happens during the winter when we are in the house more often. I am keenly aware of my negative points every time I have an outburst and see the effects it has on my children. I usually hear all of my negative words, phrases, gestures repeated by those little imitative children!! Oh, to keep working on thy self! I have worked tirelessly over the years on our daily rhythm. With our first child we had little daily rhythm and life felt more difficult that way. I can see that now in retrospect. I continue to go to summer conferences and read lots of books on child development, parenting, and Waldorf education. The work (housework, self development, learning) is never ending but is exciting and challenging. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Thank you Donna for your books and words of wisdom and for the opportunity to dive into myself and reflect on this awesome experience!!!
Sincerely,
Rebecca Christie