Desiree's Story
I became a mother by accident. Though looking back I always knew what I was meant to be. When I was 17, I was told I would never be able to have children. I had a massive myomectomy and was told there was little to no chance I'd ever conceive or be able to carry a baby. Before that moment in time, I had given very little thought to motherhood. I wanted children and I came from a big family, but I had never really given much realistic thought to how it would work or what kind of mother I would be. I helped raise my much younger brothers as my mother and stepfather worked and were always gone. I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, got them to school. I suppose I was always a mother in spirit. Always caring for others and being the "mom" to my friends. After my surgery, I felt my loss in every breath I took. As it turns out, I was not cautious and ended up pregnant 3 weeks later. Since then, I have been blessed with three more beautiful children because I thankfully beat the odds. Becoming a young mother wasn't entirely easy, but it all worked out. I wanted to stay at home, but had to finish high school 5 hours a week and then had to find a job when my relationship ended. That was the hardest thing for me. It was traumatizing to have to leave my children and work. A friend told me I could get financial aid for college if I wanted to go back to school, and that cleared up a lot of free time for me to be with my children and to keep a part time job that paid well on weekend early mornings.
When my husband and I found out we were expecting my 3rd child, it was another miracle. I had a rough pregnancy, but he wanted me to stay at home and for the first time, we were financially able. It was a big transition for me to a world of security I never knew as a child. My own mother was always gone working, partying, going places. I seemed to be an afterthought. So making a home where the parents were there, and were dependable was a big deal to me. The only problems were the loneliness and my feeling that I could never do enough to "make up" for the fact that I wasn't financially contributing to the family. I live in a small town where there is nothing to do and no support systems for stay at home parents. They are fairly rare to come by and we are basically outcast as leeches upon our family. The only support I have found is from the elderly women in our neighborhood who reminisce about how much they loved to stay at home when their children were young. I wish that there was a support network near here, but all of my attempts to form play groups or anything else, have failed. My in-laws also treat me badly for staying home. Between our AP beliefs, homeschooling, or me staying home, there is always a bone of contention there. My family is more supportive as we are a large open family and my aunts are all very pro-AP and pro-holistic education and pro-staying home. But they live two states away, so I only get those brief vacations of acceptance about once a year.
It really is a joy to be home with my children....most days. I think we all have days when we feel like the world is crumbling around you and everything you are doing is wrong. But I do get to spend all day snuggling with my toddler, making inventions, or reading books if we want to. I don’t have to worry about rushing off to get to work or problems in the workplace or going to work when my children have to go to the doctor or have a play they have been practicing for. I am able to be there for them all the time and that makes up for everything.
Even sleepless nights with colicky babies and seemingly never getting a moment of "me time". My fourth child is now almost two years old. The moment she was born, all doubt about my place in my family and my role in life became clear. This always was my purpose. This was my life. Every step I had taken led to this and it all made sense. I stopped worrying so much about making money or any unfulfilled life goals. There was no place I would rather be than at home with my miracles. That isn't to say that I don't have bad days or weeks when the loneliness or overwhelm don't get to me, but just watching them sleep after a long day and knowing tomorrow I get another chance brings it all together.
I was actually discussing the role of mothers in society and at home the other day with my husband. There seems to be some deep pain inflicted on the female gender in our world. It is a man's world (at least here in America!) where mothers have too much responsibility to be both parents for overworked or absent fathers. Where even when they work full time, they are still the full time mother, housekeeper, and chef in a majority of households. But at the same time, they are undervalued by society. Women are encouraged not to stay home and stereotypes of "Desperate Housewives" abound in media and with the attitudes of working parents. I have never in my life met anyone like the women in those shoes here in the Midwest or living on the East Coast, but this is still what people think about when they think mother-the bad stereotypes. A part of me is deeply feminist but another part of me wonders if some of it has been taken too far as to devalue the feminine in an attempt to make it equal to the masculine though they are two very different but very necessary aspects.
Desiree